Why you should not believe them when they say “we are our memories” and what to believe instead

The “we are our memories” commercial line is very nice, albeit it does pose a problem: it’s reducing you to a piece that can get lost. Then what? And then who, as relationships are between “someones”…

If you bare with me for three paragraphs that might feel uncomfortable – no, it’s not the typical facebook / insta happy-happy, joy-joy type of reading, but there is a punch line that might end up taking you to a happy place…take this as a disclaimer, will you?

1. Dementia (Alzheimer’s is but one of the causes) roams the world, especially the countries where these words might be read – as they have plenty of internet access. Read the numbers – they are stunning. Here’s one that will blow your mind: “Someone in the world develops dementia every 3 seconds.” Aging is on the rise too, so it’s a pretty safe bet you will not manage to navigate life without having at least one person in your network suffering from this, sooner or later. KEEP READING! IT GETS BETTER…DON’T SKIP THE NEXT PARAGHRAPH THOUGH!
2. We typically have relationships because we are someone who want to be with someone else – we get something out of them. Even when there’s love, lots of time reciprocity is expected. Afterall, the thing we most fear is not to be accepted, right? How does that work when your friend, spouse, parent loses (to a certain degree) the immediate memory? Who is that person? Who is that person to us? Why are we together? Well, if “we are our memories” and the relationship is built on various reasons that have a lot to do with memory, socially-driven behaviors or expectations of reciprocity, inherent hard times are going to get considerably tougher. HOWEVER:
3. I have stumbled upon the most amazing key to this life scenario. Source is interesting per se, but I’m quoting the story here for your convenience:

It was a busy morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman in his 80’s, arrived to have stitches removed from his thumb.
He said he was in a hurry as he had an appointment at 9:00 am. I took his vital signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone would be able to see him.
I saw him looking at his watch, and decided, since I was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor’s appointment this morning, as he was in such a hurry. The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife.
I inquired as to her health; he told me that she had been there for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer’s disease. As we talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.
He replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, ‘And you still go every morning, even though she doesn’t know who you are’? He smiled as he patted my hand and said, ‘She doesn’t know me, but I still know who she is’.

In the words of the late John Lennon, “Love is the answer, and you know that for sure”.

Love & Presence, to be precise.

If we choose to be in the now, dementia is irrelevant, memory is not necessary. It rains, we talk about the drops of water. If we are together out of love, to “just” be there with another, we are in the neurodiversity realm.

If two years of Covid have done any good to humanity, they have turned everyone’s attention towards DEI and neurodiversity is probably the least explored and most important lesson we need to learn. Just read the numbers in the link presented in paragraph 1.

From one perspective, that of life throwing lessons at us until we learn the concepts, Love & Presence are the lessons to be learned from the neurodiverse friends, spouses or parents – the persons they become when memory might not be part of them, while a whole lot of other things remain.